Seven for Seven (An Anniversary Post)

Seven years ago today I married my best friend.

And I still like him a whole bunch (most of the time).

It hasn’t always been fun or easy but it’s been good. Today I want to share the top seven things I’ve learned in the last seven years about being married.

1)      Seek God first

I think by now you all know faith is a huge part of my life but it is essential in my marriage.

As Ruth Graham Bell said, “A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers”.

I don’t like forgiving so much.

In fact after a fight with the hubby once I actually said “I’m so tired of forgiving you”.

As if. As if I really get to do that. Because then I quickly heard the Lord speak to my heart, “oh yeah well how many times have I forgiven you?” Forgiveness is mandatory. And none of it forgiveness, grace, love comes easily without God’s help.

We (Tim and I) try to be good people but we are broken sinners in need of a savior. It is only by seeking Him more in our marriage that we have been able to overcome the challenges that we’ve faced.

And along with that comes prayer. Early on I would pray that the Lord would change this or that about my husband and nothing would happen. In fact, often things would get worse.

But when I started praying, Lord change ME, then we experienced miracles. I’m not even kidding. He still works miracles. He’s just waiting for us to ask.

I firmly believe that I honor God by honoring my husband and the vows that I made to Him. Not only that but I need to remember that he is not only my husband but my fellow brother in Christ and  I need to care for him as one of the Lord’s beloved, whether I feel warm, fuzzy feelings about him at the time or not.

2)      Show respect

Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.  Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Ephesians 5:22-24

I know, this verse makes so many people uncomfortable. What do you mean I have to submit to my husband??? I know, I get it.

But I think bigger picture here is this men need to feel respected and women need to feel loved, right? Love and Respect. There’s a whole book and ministry about it. We have different needs.

What I have realized is that I can’t just say I respect my husband and then go ahead and act disrespectfully. I need to model respect in the way I interact with him and in the way I talk about him.

This is especially important when it comes to our kids. I have learned to model respect even when he’s not home. For example, my sweet daughter will ask if we can do something, let’s say go on a trip or try a new activity. I often will respond with, “let’s see what daddy thinks about it”.

Now, that’s not because I’m incapable of making decisions or I have to get permission to do things but it shows my kids that I value what their dad thinks and that he is an important part of our family.

3)      Listen

I like to talk and after knowing my husband for so many years I think I can finish his sentences.

This is a bad idea. I am an extrovert, my husband more of an introvert so when he talks to me, he deserves to be heard.

Which is ironic because I’m a counselor and have been trained to listen but for some reason think rules don’t apply to husbands?

Anyway I have learned that whether I think I know what he’s going to say or not I need to let him talk and I need be a listener, meaning I need to be quiet.

4)      Give him space (don’t be clingy)

Can I be honest? My husband is actually my favorite person in the world. I prefer his company to anyone else’s and like I said before I’m an extrovert so if it were up to me we would be together all most of the time.

But my man needs space. We live in a crowded house with lots of kids and noise and sometimes he needs to be alone.

I used to take that so personally, and think “what’s wrong with me that he would rather be alone?”

Now I appreciate how much we both need some alone time. It has allowed me to discover the value of having time apart and has enabled me to pursue my own interests without feeling guilty for not being available for him.

5)      But also make time together a priority

I just said give him space right?

Yes, but it is also so sweet   to be together that we do make it a  priority to connect in some way every day.

Sometimes, we watch a show or movie and snuggle on the couch. Or if we can we try to get out for a date night once a month. At the very least we end our days by having a quick check in at night and then falling asleep holding hands.

6)      Watch my words: (tone, timing)

Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and nagging wife. Proverbs 21:19

A foolish child is a father’s ruin, and a quarrelsome wife is like the constant dripping of a leaky roof. Proverbs 19:13

Yuck, that sounds awful. Who wants to live with a quarrelsome/nagging wife?

I hate nagging my hubby. I have really learned the power of words and one great thing I learned was to watch for my tone and timing. This was a lesson I learned from our pastor’s wife.

Timing: Is this the best time to say what I’m about to say? Is my hubby tired, grumpy, hungry even? Perhaps hold off.

Have I been thinking, praying even about what I want to say? Proceed.

Tone: Am I speaking in love? If not, perhaps there is a better way to say what I want.

7)      Speak his (love) language

My husband hears and speaks love in acts of service. This is why he brings me light bulbs as presents sometimes or he’ll take my car in for a wash. He feels loved when there is clean, folded laundry or his favorite dinner ready for him.

I have learned this the hard way. Like when he really needed me to take in his dry cleaning and I totally forgot. Bad. That really made feel like I didn’t value his needs.

My love language is words of affirmation, so when my hubby tells me I look cute or compliments something I did, my love tank is full.

Because we feel loved in different ways, we have had to learn over the years to become fluent in the other person’s language.

There are many other things I’ve learned but I think these have been the most helpful. I hope they help and encourage you as well.

What things have you learned about marriage? Would love to hear your tips.

Now, I’m off to spend the day with my sweetheart. Have a wonderful day!

 

*Friends, I will be making some changes on the blog over the next week so please forgive me if the site is down at some point in the next few days. I’ll try to make the switch as quickly and smoothly as possible. Stay tuned.